It's That Time of Year Again: How to Conquer Back-to-School Anxiety
We don’t know about you, but back to school anxiety has been on our team’s mind a lot lately. Here, O&E writer Vanessa Rutkowski suggests several ways to make the fall transition easier.
For those of us with school-age children, September can be a roller coaster of a month. Even though we're coming into the last third of the calendar year, it seems to be the beginning of everything. Not just back to school — back to routines, schedules, and early bedtimes; back to sports, clubs, and activities; back to homework, seeing friends, and shopping for new clothes.
Most of us at Oxford & Em are former educators, and we know a thing or two about back-to-school (BTS) anxiety. It's easy to see how some kids (and teachers) look at this time with energy and excitement while others feel overwhelming anxiety. And, of course, most are somewhere in between, feeling all kinds of emotions all at once.
I have two children — an eleven-year-old daughter just starting middle school and a seven-year-old son in second grade. So far, their experiences with this new school year have been on both ends of the spectrum. My daughter Taylor struggles daily with anxiety and is more reserved, introverted, and sensitive. My son Julian has always been my happy-go-lucky, roll-with-the-punches kid. He's a charmer, loves making friends, and although he can be a beast to wake up in the morning, he almost always comes home with a big smile and a positive attitude toward school.
So, who would you suppose has stayed cheerful, positive, and excited these first few days of school, and who has had tears every morning? Surprisingly, it's the exact opposite of what I was anticipating. Taylor has been a steady warrior, keeping a great attitude, laughing off backward combination locks and forgetting which hallway to walk down to get to math. On the other hand, my son has been distraught from the moment he wakes up until he steps onto the bus. He tells me repeatedly that he just wants to stay home, that school is "too long," and he misses us when he's there.
This reversal of my expectations made me wonder about BTS anxiety. After reflecting on my past teaching experience, my own memories of school anxiety, and doing some research, I gathered some possible answers.
What causes BTS anxiety?
First, let's look at what causes BTS anxiety in the first place. For some children, it's as simple as adjusting to big changes and being nervous about what it will be like to have a new teacher and new kids in class. These first-day jitters usually resolve themselves fairly quickly. For others who struggle beyond the first day or week of school, it could stem from another kind of anxiety. PsychCentral suggests other possibilities, like:
Separation Anxiety
Younger children are especially prone to feeling anxious about leaving their families. And, apparently, this can continue (or even start!) as they get older.
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety can be anything from an introverted child feeling drained after being around people all day to feeling uneasy about the social hierarchies of adolescence to a crippling fear of getting called on in class. Certain personalities and age groups, like middle or high schoolers, are more prone to social anxiety.
Neurodivergent Conditions
Our neurodivergent children with conditions such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, or learning disabilities could be worried about all kinds of obstacles at school, from having trouble with assignments to feeling accepted by their peers.
Specific Phobias
Your child could be worried about something very specific that makes them not want to go to school. For my daughter, it's always been the sudden, jarring noise of the fire alarm. For others, it could be the automatic flusher on the toilet, germs and getting sick, or what's in the mystery meatloaf at lunch. (I mean, can you blame them?)
Who is most prone to BTS anxiety?
Whether or not your child is more likely to experience anxiety has a lot to do with what else is going on in their life. According to an article from the Child Mind Institute, children in transitional years, such as kindergarten and the first year of middle or high school, are most likely to feel anxious.
Of course, transitions can come in other forms, too. For example, if your child has a friend who moved away, is dealing with a recent divorce, or the passing of a loved one or pet could make returning to school difficult. This was Julian's first time going to school without his big sister, and it's been much harder than I anticipated.
What are the signs of BTS anxiety?
As much as we'd like our children to tell us what they're feeling and why they're feeling that way, it's not always that easy. Sometimes, we need to look at behaviors as clues that something is awry. Here are some red flags that your child is experiencing BTS anxiety, mentioned on the BCBS of Michigan website:
Temper tantrums or emotional outbursts
Unexplained crying spells
Not wanting to leave your side
Trouble sleeping
Loss of appetite
Complaints of stomach aches or headaches
Restlessness or trouble focusing
If you're seeing these behavioral changes, it's time to do some digging and figure out what's bothering them. It might not be as simple as asking, "What's wrong?" but taking time to have some natural conversations will bring it out eventually.
What can I do to help?
The best ways to help kids with back-to-school anxiety take place in the weeks before school starts. Here are a few things that I feel helped Taylor start the year on the right foot:
Get Organized
I find planning and organizing the best ways to ward off anxiety. This becomes especially important for children (like Taylor) who struggle with executive function skills. After we shopped for school supplies, Taylor labeled all her folders and notebooks with their subject. We printed her schedule (with room numbers highlighted) and taped it into a planner. We made lists of supplies she'd need for each class. She had her combination lock at the beginning of the summer so she could practice opening it as much as necessary. (The idea that she'd repeatedly put it on backward, unfortunately, didn't occur to me.)
Get Back into Routines
I tried my best to keep the kids on some kind of routine throughout the summer so it wasn't so shocking when it was time to go back to school. We were far from regimented, but we found a balance between unstructured, lazy time and keeping busy. Then, in the couple weeks before school started, they started getting to bed earlier, having more consistent mealtimes, and generally getting into a school mindset.
Go For a Test Run
Thankfully, Taylor had many opportunities to visit her new school before it started. She had a chance to go inside on her own and find the band room during her summer band class. We took some walks around the school after her scout meetings that were held in the library. We went through her schedule, met her teachers, and got her locker all set up at the open house. By the time school started, she had a pretty good feel for how the building was laid out and where everything was.
Oxford & Em client April Remfrey, international school inclusion consultant and founder of Remfrey Educational Consulting, also suggests taking pictures while walking through your child's schedule at school. Then, they can look through them at home and mentally go over their route until it feels familiar.
Stay Positive
Kids take cues from their parents, and if they sense you're stressed, they're more likely to feel stressed themselves. Keeping a positive attitude is important and sets a great example for them. This was hard for me because I was having lots of anxiety myself, and I'm not great at hiding my feelings. Talking through things with my husband and friends helped a lot. I also tried to come up with things they could be excited about, like making friends, all the new things they'd learn, and the chance to show off that "sick" new t-shirt (I'm told this is a good thing).
April recommends using moments of parental anxiety as learning opportunities, saying:
"Let them know what you are feeling and how you are dealing with those feelings. In this way, you are modeling how you deal with your feelings of anxiety. Our kids may not always use our strategies, but it is important that they hear about the many strategies that are out there and can choose what works best for them."
Perhaps, despite all your planning, preparation, and positivity, your kids are more like Julian and are experiencing anxiety after school starts. If that's the case, here are some ideas of what to do:
Be a Good Listener
If you're like me, when your kids come to you with problems, your first instinct is to want to fix everything. I have to remind myself that the best thing to do is listen. Talk through their worries — try to understand where they're coming from. Then, keep in mind that it's okay that they're nervous. It's okay for them to do hard things. In fact, they need to. Just being there for them is good enough.
After a few talks with Julian, I learned that along with missing Taylor at school, he was feeling very nervous about riding the bus home without her. What if it broke down? Or left without him? What if he never made it home? Couldn't I drive him home instead? (No. The parent pickup line is a 45-minute-long parade of doom to be avoided at all costs.)
April says it's helpful to validate fears and consider what would happen in the worst-case scenarios. I told him I could see how the idea of not getting home is scary, and I reassured him he was safe and would always get back even if something went wrong. Let's say the bus breaks down on the way home. What would the driver do? (I knew this answer for a fact because this actually did happen to Taylor years ago.) They would use their radio and another bus would come and take everyone home. If the bus left without him, I would come and pick him up.
Don't Stop the Fun
Just because summer is over doesn't mean you can't plan something fun, and having something to look forward to is a great distraction from anxiety. We always plan a trip over a long weekend in the fall just to have a change of scenery. It doesn't have to be a full-on vacation or cost a ton of money, but a small getaway could make a big difference.
Know When to Ask for Help
If back-to-school anxiety persists for a long time or is so intense that your child refuses to go, don't be afraid to ask for help. Let their teacher or guidance counselor know what you're seeing. Bring it up to their pediatrician or find a therapist for them to talk to. Anxiety is very common, and many children need some extra guidance.
Hopefully, your back-to-school season has gone smoothly. If it hasn't, you're not alone. For additional resources on back-to-school anxiety and more, check out these articles from Child Mind Institute. Good luck this school year, and happy September!
